Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Where To Start? What To Say?

Hello again. I’ve totally been avoiding blogging. But I’m not avoiding you. I have wanted to talk to you, but I don’t quite know what to write. You see, a lot has been going on. An overwhelming “a lot” to be accurate. An “a lot” that has often defied words. So I won’t mince words because there’s no way to sugar coat it. 

My father died. 

Yep. He did. It’s true. As much as I don’t want it to be true. It is. My dear, sweet, beloved daddy is gone.

I’m still in shock and it has been 26 days. He died on New Year’s Eve morning at the young age of 63. It was sudden and unexpected even though he had a second aortic valve replacement surgery in October. He was healthy and perfectly fine when I last saw him on Christmas. 

I am the one who found him at his house. I was too late. There was nothing I could have done. He had clearly been gone for several hours. But I still tried. I sure did. I called 911.

He had been vomiting for a few days (flu?) and my sister had been bringing him fluids and aspirin. She had seen him the night before. But that morning she had her three year old to get to preschool and her job to get to and she was running late. She called me to go check on him, as he was not answering his phone, which is not really unusual for my dad. So Mr. M and I hopped in the car and drove the ten minutes across town to his house expecting to find him sleeping upstairs where he couldn’t hear the phone. 

But he was not sleeping unless you consider it The Big Sleep. We do not know the exact cause of death. We can only guess. It did not look like he suffered at all. 

I had to make the calls to my sister, brother, my mom (they were divorced), and my dad’s girlfriend. Then I had to call his three younger brothers. Oh, my goodness. Those were calls I never want to make again. Ever.

Family and friends arrived a few days later. My brother, his wife and two kids came and that rocked. My three uncles came and that was so awesome. I have not seen two of them in over 10 years. The service for dad was great. So many people showed to pay their respects. It was so nice to meet his friends whom I had only heard stories about.  

So this is the thing that has me very preoccupied. I suppose it’s not something y’all want to read about a ton. I will try to spare you the grief process posts. But you will be getting a great big tribute to dad post as soon as I can stop crying when I try to write it. 

Dad was also a maker of things – particularly antique cars and hot rods as well as model trains. Much of what I do as a craftswoman I learned from him. He taught me how to use almost every tool I own and then some. So naturally being in the studio right now is really hard for me. Everything reminds me of him. I come in here and just cry if I try to work. Most projects are on hold. (My shop remains open, as everything is ready to ship.) 

I’m trying to stay busy, but all of this has caused a flare in my fibromyalgia and I’ve been in a lot of pain. And it has dropped below 0 degrees F here too much and that isn’t helping. 

My last few posts about taking in the love seem so poignant now, don’t they? So many lessons learned about love these last 26 days. Being able to be receptive to love right now is holding me up through this. But I think that may have to wait for another post by itself.

If you do anything at all today, I highly recommend you make sure to hug your loved ones and tell them what they mean to you. You may only have today to do it. 

My bloggy friends, I love you! xoxo

- Vickie


~Barb~ said...

Vickie, I know I don't comment often but I am a faithful reader and my heart aches for you right now. I lost my Dad 5 days after my first daughter was born. What should have been the happiest time in my life was also the Dad was my best friend. What I'm getting at is that I really do know what you're going through and how emotionally tender you are right now. Give yourself time to grieve, let it out here if you want (it is your place after all and you won't be boring me.) Just be gentle with yourself, no matter need this time to begin to heal. It takes quite a while, trust me. My Daddy has been gone for almost 24 years and it still pains me.
Sending you much
Peace & Love,

Jenxo said...

i am so sorry for your loss. One day you wil be able to use your tools and they will be a comfort to you...what a great bond to have had with your Dad...

leslie (crookedstamper) said...

I'm so sorry. That must have been awful for you. I cannot imagine.

Be as strong as you can, and draw from all the good he gave to you, including all your craftiness. One day you will find pleasure in your craft and thank him every time you go into your studio.

I lost my Mom 9 years ago, and I find myself saying, "Thanks, Mom." when I do something she taught me. It's tough, but you'll be fine.

Hugs. xo

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry to hear that Vickie and feel so bad that I didn't know sooner! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! You have my number - please let me know if you need anything at all!

Emily @doubleclictech said...

I am so sorry to hear about your father. My grandmother died December 29th, just a few days before your father. She was like a mother to me and I still can't imagine a world without her. It still doesn't seem real. She was 87 years old. I should have expected it, but she was healthy and again, I just couldn't imagine a world without her. So, I didn't. I think I just tell myself she is at home right now and when I remember home is heaven, I stop thinking about it. I just don't want to let her go.

Anyway, I know how you feel. And, dealing with a chronic disease on top of grief is even harder. Throw in freezing temps and it just sucks.

(((Hugs))) We will get through this.

Emily @doubleclicktech

Ange Lee said...

so many blogs to I read but don't comment often. But I certainly do want to say something here...and that is that I'm thinking of you. I lost my dad a number of years ago and it's never 'get over it' but you will learn to live with it....keep on thinking of all those lovely memories you have of your dad...cherished times you spent with him and private moments and words spoken. It'll be hard at first but those little things will become important little things to hold onto and remember and they'll help you through the dark days. Best wishes and hugs. Ange XXX

tokenblogger said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Franstuff said...

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my daddy in Oct 2006. He was my best friend, my copilot, my sanity. I went a little insane after he died, but I have made it through. I think of him every day, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Now I just have the fond and happy memories of our time together. When he died, I didn't think the pain would ever end, it took awhile, a long while, but I have healed. My daddy, your daddy, they don't want us to hurt, they want us to be happy, they are free and will ever watch over us. Blessings, Fran

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