Bring On the Monks!

Monks! The Drepung Gomang Monks are in town! 

All the way from India and exile from Tibet. 

Right here, in Rochester, NY ... my hometown ... where I am lucky and thankful to not live in exile from my people, my culture, and my choice of religion. 

They are here to pray for healing and compassion. They are here to celebrate life and the amazing, wondrousness of it all. 

Most of all they are here to let us know our suffering does not go unheeded or without love and empathy. Unconditionally. From all four corners of the earth and beyond.

I'm over-the-top excited about this. Not only because I get a chance to see them make a sand mandala and hear them chant three chords at once, but because the Drepung Gomang monks are visiting a place near and very dear to my heart - The Creative Wellness Coalition. 

From 2000 - 2007, I worked there as the Impressions Gallery Curator (at what was then called the Mental Health Coalition, lovingly known as "The Coalition"). Now known as the Creative Wellness Coalition (CWC), the CWC is a non-profit, peer-run organization (meaning all staff has a personal experience with mental health issues) dedicated to helping people with mental illness live full lives. 

The gallery I curated exclusively exhibited and sold the artwork of individuals with mental health issues. That gallery was my heart and soul, and the artists I was blessed to represent are all amazing people with amazing stories of triumph through and over suffering. 

I cannot imagine a better place in town to have a giant celebration of healing, understanding, and most of all, compassion towards ourselves, each other, and this place in which we all must live together. 

Several of the events of this amazing visit have already occurred. I'm not on the ball with this post (or much else this past week with all the migraines). I guess I need some healing compassion of my own.

Today, Sunday, and Monday from 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM the Drepung Gomang Monks will be building a sand mandala at the Creative Wellness Coalition. 

Click here for the schedule. 

Tibetan handcrafted merchandise from the Himalayas will be available for purchase. Bring a T-shirt and have it personalized with your name in Tibetan Sanskrit!

At 2:00 PM on Monday, August 6, 2012, the closing ceremony will begin. The monks will walk the sand from the mandala to the Genesee River in the middle of downtown Rochester. To symbolize the impermanence of all that exists, the colored sands are swept up and poured into a nearby river or stream where the waters carry the healing energies throughout the world. 

On Tuesday, August 7, 2012, there will be a Traditional Tibetan Soup Dinner at the Danforth Community Center, 200 West Avenue, Rochester, NY 14611. Monks and teen leaders will prepare soup in the afternoon and serve to the community beginning at 5:00.  Seating is first-come basis.

That's right! The Creative Wellness Coalition has everything from soup to monks! (Sorry. I couldn't resist.)

With that horrible pun (that will be making me giggle for a few hours at least), I leave you to cross everything else off your calendar for the next few days and go hang out with the monks. Yeah, I know Park Ave Fest is going on. The CWC is just a few blocks up N Goodman St from there! Anyway, it's over 95 degrees today. Go to the CWC where it's cool inside!

I'm hoping to spend much of Sunday there! Join me and let's share some loving kindness. And lots of hugs!

Drepung Gomang Monks

Creative Wellness Coalition

320 N Goodman St

Rochester, NY 14607
--> THE SCHEDULE <--

For more information call 585-325-3145 x 144

- Vickie

Hold On!

This drawing was my response to the attacks on September 11, 2001.

God's hand scoops down to gather up their souls before they suffer the fall inside the towers. 

Colored pencil 

8" x 8"

9/11/2001 

I had to draw this more for myself than anyone. I just could not stomach the thought of all those people trapped in falling skyscrapers. 

I drew it how I hoped it happened - that God (or whatever higher power one might believe in) scooped them all up and they didn't suffer. Desperately seeking comfort, this image brought some for me. 

I hope today brings you closer to the ones you love - both near and far. I care for each and everyone of you!! xoxo 

- Vickie

It Worked!

Guess what. Nobody noticed! Or if they did then they didn’t let on and gave me gifts anyway. They love me anyway – no matter how I feel about myself. And quite possibly in spite of how I feel about myself just to prove a point because they are cool like that.

My last post was about wanting a certain thing for Christmas and how my self-esteem issues get in the way of feeling like I deserve nice things at all. So I set an intention in order to try to enjoy this holiday more and not become tangled up in my own emotional baggage. My intention is:

This year I am going to make a conscious effort to pay attention to feeling good about receiving. *

Receiving is really all about the love. Taking in the love. My family took the time to think of gifts I would like, went out and bought them with hard earned money, boxed them up, wrapped them ever so carefully (my mom even makes her own ribbon bows!), and presented them with this look of hope in their eyes that I would like them. Add up all that effort and love. That is priceless!! Then repeat for each and every gift.

Would they do that for me if they hated me as much as I hate myself? NO. They. Would. Not. So there, self-hatred! Take that!!! You got a big ol’ LOVE whooping!

It felt great! It felt really uncomfortable! I was squirmy in my seat. I had to keep reminding myself to have a good time. Oh, yeah, right, take in the love. That was the plan. I opened each gift deliberately and slowly trying to take in every electron of love I could handle.

The Result: JOY. Relaxation. Appreciation for how lucky I am. Fun. Happiness. Gratitude. My Love Tank filled up.

This little change in my thoughts about receiving made a HUGE difference in my enjoyment of the holidays this year. That’s all it was. A change in my thoughts. I changed “I am doo doo.” to “I am loved.” and it made all the difference. How simple. How completely complex.

I hope your holidays went well!

- Vickie
xoxo

*I’m including 2011 in this intention. 

In the photo above I admit I am not as happy as I look. I didn’t want to have that photo taken, but I needed an image for this follow up post. Yes, I do need a scarf at my mom's place. That's a patio door behind me and the cold blows right through it. It's about 30 degrees where I am sitting. :)

A (Possible) New Gadget For My Old Baggage

I am ridiculously difficult to buy presents for… unless you are buying me art supplies. Then the list of possible gifts is endless and has been known to include power tools like compound miter saws.

I’m not a girly girl so jewelry, make-up, and most fashionable clothing is out. I can’t use lovely scented lotions because I’m allergic to so many unidentified things. I don’t really cook anymore so kitchen stuff is useless, not to mention my kitchen is already well stocked with cookware and gadgets.

I do not like other people spending money on me. I really truly do not like it. In fact, I really dislike spending money on myself, too. So when it comes time for Mr. M to ask me what I want for Christmas, I get hung up in The Spending Money (On Me) Spiral. He is spending money on me. But it’s OUR money. Therefore it’s partly my money being spent on me. Double whammy.

The double whammy causes me to be completely, totally, cripplingly indecisive if I happen to (rarely) want something that is a little expensive. This year’s indecisiveness is brought to you by our friends at Apple because I really want the new iPod Touch.

“But, Vickie,” you say. “You already have a perfectly good iPod Touch.” Yes, I do. I know. I love it. It works just fine. It has brought me countless hours of joy.

But last week my twin sister, Valerie, got an iPhone. This was the first time I had a chance to play with an iPhone. The screen is amazingly gorgeous. I can actually read tiny lettering on web pages on the iPhone that my failing eyesight can’t read on my Touch. Then I played with the camera, the video camera, FaceTime, and then all the other cool stuff that my Touch doesn’t have.

My brain began to scream, “WANT! WANT! WANT!” My brain began to show me in rapid fire succession all the fun projects that I could do with a new Touch like make stop motion animations, pepper Twitter with photos, make video tutorials, FaceTime with my sister and far away friends, and finally have access to things like VoiceOver so I can have the web and Twitter “read to me” when I need to rest my eyes or cannot tolerate light anymore.

I have been going back and forth with “yes” and “no” to Mr. M on this for weeks, even before Valerie got her iPhone. He has not enjoyed my dance with The Spending Money (On Me) Spiral. Today he required an answer. I balked. I stammered. Both “yes” and “no” fought to come out of my mouth at the same time. So I completely gave the decision to him. Now it’s going to be a surprise if he buys it or not. I am quite sure he will buy it because he is so super nice to me and totally spoils me at Christmas all year. But I am not going to be disappointed if he doesn’t buy it either. Like I said, I have a perfectly good iPod Touch already.

So where lies the rub?? What is my damage?

This is not about the iPod Touch. This is not really about the money. This is about my self-hatred, which lately has been off the charts as I struggle to be productive through excruciating pain and fatigue trying to be “good enough” and never getting there.

Inside, I am being torn in half.

One side really wants the iPod Touch and is excited like a gleeful 6 year old about it. This side is jumping up and down inside my head and squealing right now about playing Angry Birds on that clear new screen.

The other side is just doom doom doom. “You don’t deserve it. Who do you think you are? You have a perfectly good iPod already. No one should ever buy you any gifts because you are a piece of doo doo. No nice things for you – especially nice things that will bring you untold, incalculable hours of fun and joy and let you spread untold, incalculable hours of fun and joy to the interwebs!”

I really need to work on this self-hatred problem. It’s sneaking its way into everything. I deny myself so much good because of it. I deny myself happiness, success, comfort, and the list could go on for quite some length. What ends up happening is that I am also denying you - my family and friends - the gifts I have been given to share because this self-hatred makes me isolate and not share my love/joy/art with anyone. This self-hatred makes me feel like no one could possibly ever want to see what I do or spend one second with me. I fight tooth and nail with it just to post what I do on the web, like this post for instance.

New iPod Touch or not, receiving gifts at Christmas taxes my self-hatred significantly. As the pile of gifts with my name on them grows, so does my anxiety. If these people really knew how horrible I am they would be giving me coal like I deserve!

This year I am going to make a conscious effort to pay attention to feeling good about receiving. I’m going to listen more to the gleeful 6 year old in me. I’m not going to listen to doom doom doom. Receiving a gift is about taking in the love from the gift giver. It’s not about me and my cr@p unless I choose to make it about me and my cr@p by listening to the doom. Doom, you shall have Christmas off! I’m going to keep reminding myself that if I really were as horrible as I think I am, then these wonderful people who love me might have noticed by now and wouldn’t be giving me any gifts at all.

As part of my plan for 2011, the word I have chosen to focus on is HEALING (more on this soon). Quite near the top of the list of things that need to be healed is my self-hatred. I think that might clean up some other messes lurking in my baggage, too.

If you are suffering from the “self-hatred doom doom doom” this holiday season let me know in the comments and we will pull each other through this together! If you have a case of the “I’m not good enough”s this year, I got your back, too! If these are things you have worked through and have some solutions to offer I welcome your thoughts!

Please have a happy and safe holiday!

Love,

- Vickie

xoxo