Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Where To Start? What To Say?

Hello again. I’ve totally been avoiding blogging. But I’m not avoiding you. I have wanted to talk to you, but I don’t quite know what to write. You see, a lot has been going on. An overwhelming “a lot” to be accurate. An “a lot” that has often defied words. So I won’t mince words because there’s no way to sugar coat it. 

My father died. 

Yep. He did. It’s true. As much as I don’t want it to be true. It is. My dear, sweet, beloved daddy is gone.

I’m still in shock and it has been 26 days. He died on New Year’s Eve morning at the young age of 63. It was sudden and unexpected even though he had a second aortic valve replacement surgery in October. He was healthy and perfectly fine when I last saw him on Christmas. 

I am the one who found him at his house. I was too late. There was nothing I could have done. He had clearly been gone for several hours. But I still tried. I sure did. I called 911.

He had been vomiting for a few days (flu?) and my sister had been bringing him fluids and aspirin. She had seen him the night before. But that morning she had her three year old to get to preschool and her job to get to and she was running late. She called me to go check on him, as he was not answering his phone, which is not really unusual for my dad. So Mr. M and I hopped in the car and drove the ten minutes across town to his house expecting to find him sleeping upstairs where he couldn’t hear the phone. 

But he was not sleeping unless you consider it The Big Sleep. We do not know the exact cause of death. We can only guess. It did not look like he suffered at all. 

I had to make the calls to my sister, brother, my mom (they were divorced), and my dad’s girlfriend. Then I had to call his three younger brothers. Oh, my goodness. Those were calls I never want to make again. Ever.

Family and friends arrived a few days later. My brother, his wife and two kids came and that rocked. My three uncles came and that was so awesome. I have not seen two of them in over 10 years. The service for dad was great. So many people showed to pay their respects. It was so nice to meet his friends whom I had only heard stories about.  

So this is the thing that has me very preoccupied. I suppose it’s not something y’all want to read about a ton. I will try to spare you the grief process posts. But you will be getting a great big tribute to dad post as soon as I can stop crying when I try to write it. 

Dad was also a maker of things – particularly antique cars and hot rods as well as model trains. Much of what I do as a craftswoman I learned from him. He taught me how to use almost every tool I own and then some. So naturally being in the studio right now is really hard for me. Everything reminds me of him. I come in here and just cry if I try to work. Most projects are on hold. (My shop remains open, as everything is ready to ship.) 

I’m trying to stay busy, but all of this has caused a flare in my fibromyalgia and I’ve been in a lot of pain. And it has dropped below 0 degrees F here too much and that isn’t helping. 

My last few posts about taking in the love seem so poignant now, don’t they? So many lessons learned about love these last 26 days. Being able to be receptive to love right now is holding me up through this. But I think that may have to wait for another post by itself.

If you do anything at all today, I highly recommend you make sure to hug your loved ones and tell them what they mean to you. You may only have today to do it. 

My bloggy friends, I love you! xoxo

- Vickie